


Dreaming Wide Awake

by IceAngelDarkMoon



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, M/M, Post CA:TWS, Protective Bucky Barnes, Steve Feels, Steve Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-17
Updated: 2014-10-17
Packaged: 2018-02-21 13:03:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2469170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IceAngelDarkMoon/pseuds/IceAngelDarkMoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Ok, Sarge, I have to know, what the heck is up with Capsicle assaulting our left boobs when he laughs.” Tony blurted out as soon as he heard the stairwell doors swing shut signaling that Steve had left the Avenger’s movie night to return to his and Bucky’s floor. The rest of the room stilled as they all registered his question, and Tony could feel all the eyes on the room turn to him and Bucky. While he had been smiling softly in the direction Steve had just left in before Tony’s question, Bucky’s face slowly closed in on itself and his eyes coldly appraised Tony.</p><p>“I mean is it something left over from the ‘ye old times’ or is it some sort of kink that he has? Come on, Bucky Bear, you can tell us, we’re all friends here.” </p><p>Or when Tony asks Bucky about Steve's odd habit, and Bucky reluctantly tells them all, and scold them from how they treated Steve.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dreaming Wide Awake

**Author's Note:**

> This was clearly inspired by Chris Evans’s habit of grabbing his and other people’s boobs. I am not that happy with the result as it took a much darker turn than I originally planned, but decided to post anyway. I guess I had a lot of feelings about what Steve Rogers must have been dealing with when he woke up in the present and Bucky kind of points out my thoughts. 
> 
> The title comes from an epic song of the same title by Poets of the Fall, honestly you should check it and them out!

“Ok, Sarge, I have to know, what the heck is up with Capsicle assaulting our left boobs when he laughs.” Tony blurted out as soon as he heard the stairwell doors swing shut signaling that Steve had left the Avenger’s movie night to return to his and Bucky’s floor. The rest of the room stilled as they all registered his question, and Tony could feel all the eyes on the room turn to him and Bucky. While he had been smiling softly in the direction Steve had just left in before Tony’s question, Bucky’s face slowly closed in on itself and his eyes coldly appraised Tony.

“I mean is it something left over from the ‘ye old times’ or is it some sort of kink that he has? Come on, Bucky Bear, you can tell us, we’re all friends here.” Tony watched as the last of the small smile that had been on Bucky’s face from talking with Steve faded. Instead it fell to the careful blankness that made the whole room tense and worry that the Winter Solider had been triggered. Thankfully there was a calculating intensity to his eyes that showed Bucky was still present.

“Does it bother you, Stark?” Bucky asked in a low voice that was flat and gave away no hint at where Bucky was going with the conversation.

“Not really, it just intrigues me. He didn’t do it before,” here he waved his hands around to indicate what he meant. But when Bucky’s face didn’t change he decided to elaborate more verbally. “Not one boob was grabbed before you found yourself.” He tried a smirk to show that he was joking by reaching over to pat Bucky’s metal shoulder. Bucky, however, gave a pointed look at the hand that was on his shoulder then up to Tony and Tony found his hand retreating back to his side without a conscious decision to do so. Tony could feel Pepper getting tense where she sat leaning against his legs, and the rest of the Avengers and friends seemed to have also tensed.

“Does it bother any of you when Steve does this?” Bucky asked as he glanced around the room. All the other Avengers just shook their heads, and various iterations of “no” were spoken. All except Jane and Darcy, who had just arrived that morning, and both just looked a little confused. Tony found he was surprised to see that the Black Widow was shaking her head to Bucky’s question.

“You mean the Boy Scout grabs the Black Widow’s boob when he laughs? Man, he must have some balls. Or had.” Tony leered over at Natasha, and tried to ignore the pinch Pepper gave his leg. Natasha gave him a look that very eloquently said he was the largest of idiots and that the fact that he remembered to breathe on his own was a feat.

“No. He occasionally grabs my left wrist.” She seemed to pause for effect before adding, “When I permit him to.” She started to clean her nails with a knife she had stolen from Clint’s boot. Clint just looked mournfully at the knife, knowing he would probably not see it again until he stole it back after Natasha used it in a fight.

“It if ever bothers any of you; come talk to me and I will sort it out with Steve. But unless it is bothering you and making you uncomfortable all you need to know is that it means Steve is happy and you are important to him.” Bucky stood and started to head for the door, when Tony’s voice stopped him.

“Well, I guess if you won’t tell me, I will just have to ask the National Icon about it.” He tried to make it sound teasing, but there was a hint of a threat in it. Bucky turned slowly on the spot before stalking over to where Tony sat on the couch, tilting his head just enough to meet Tony’s eyes.

“The implication to leave Steve alone about this must have been too subtle for a genius; so let me make it a little clearer for you, Stark. If you ever make Steve feel embarrassed or guilty for this sign of being happy, you will pay for it.” When Tony tried to play it off and made a snort of disbelief at the threat, Bucky continued in a lower voice, meant only for Tony, and ducked down until he was speaking directly into Tony’s ear. “I will strap you to a chair and make you watch while I destroy every electrical and mechanical device in your workshop. Then I will break both of your hands. And while you are in agony from losing your work and your ability to fix it, I will then discuss all the ways you fall short of your father, and I will convince you that every fear that lurks in your mind about not being a good person is true.”

Taking a step away from Tony, Bucky surveyed the impact of his words. Tony had not moved a muscle from when Bucky had started to whisper, and was clearly trying not to show that he was affected by the threat. The rest of the team was looking on worriedly, except for Natasha, who gave a nod of satisfaction to Bucky. Besides Bucky, she was the next closest person to Steve in the room, as Sam had not been able to make it that evening. It took another couple of seconds before Tony was able to find his voice again.

“All that work just for me? It would probably just be easier to kill me than to go through all of that.” It was a weak attempt at a joke, and he could feel Pepper trying to stop herself from dragging him out of the room.

“Killing you would upset Steve.” Was the simple reply; everyone knew Bucky would never upset Steve, at least nothing beyond their usual banter. “And if you threatened Steve’s happiness by bringing this habit up, I would feel no remorse about carrying out that threat. Do you understand?” His voice was still cold and completely controlled, and that made the threat all the worse, because Tony knew in his heart that Bucky really would follow through. All he could do was nod mutely to show he understood.

“Perhaps, friend Barnes, if you could explain this unique quirk to us it would temper the Man of Iron’s curiosity, and keep the rest of us from speaking out of turn.” Thor broke through the tension, and for once his voice was not over loud. The others around the room nodded in agreement.

Bucky glanced around the room and gave a small sigh, and the rest of the Avengers realized that Bucky would tell them. While he had not threatened them all specifically like he had Tony, they all knew that there would be repercussions if any of them approached Steve about the habit. Bucky walked over to the space he and Steve had filled earlier on the couch and sat. He was quiet a moment, seeming to try to figure out where to start.

“To answer your question from earlier, no he did not have this quirk before. Not before the serum or even before I fell. And the reason you did not see it until recently is because he didn’t care until then. Or if that hurts your delicate feelings and ruins your image of Captain America, then he wasn’t actually happy until now.” Glancing around the room, Bucky could see looks of confusion and puzzlement on most of the faces, except for Natasha who was looking very carefully at the knife she had been playing with.

“Steve was a mess when he woke up, and while I wasn’t here, I know enough that if anything like that ever happens again I will kill everyone involved. He was a 27 year old who had just found out the War was over and he had survived combat when so many of those around him hadn’t. A war, which for all of you, is something your grandparents or parents survived, but for him was just yesterday. He then finds out that everyone he ever knew has lived their lives and he missed it all. Most of them are dead now, not from war but old age. It starts to look like anyone he loves dies on him; his parents, other kids from the hospital, the Doctor who gave him a chance, and so many of his troops. The woman he would have married lived a life without him, and most of the time doesn’t even remember him.”

“Then there was his best friend, the only person he cared about for so long, had been tortured and changed just as he, Steve, had been given the body that matched his spirit. And just when things were getting better, and they finally talked about the illegal feelings they had for each other, and he has to watch as he can’t save him? And within a week of watching that he is forced to give his life to save the city he grew up in, the city that never thought he was worth anything until he let scientist play God with him.”

“From that he woke up in a future where he is no longer considered a person, but a legend. Before he could even get his feet under him again in this strange world, he was asked to lead a group of broken people to fight aliens. And the whole time he is fighting, not one person thought to call him by his name. The only other team he had ever known he had lost; why get attached to this new one that didn’t even realize he was still just a kid from Brooklyn. Why care about these new people when anything and everything he ever cares about gets taken away in the end?”

Bucky stopped and looked at each person in the room in turn. Bruce and Clint looked guilty and wouldn’t meet his eyes. Agent Coulson had closed off his expression but the way he was looking down at his hands spoke volumes. Thor, Jane, and Darcy look troubled. Natasha meets Bucky’s eyes and nodded once, showing she had already known this and dealt with her feelings about it. Pepper was looking sad and rubbing circles on Tony’s leg. Tony was flipping through emotions rapidly, and his mouth kept opening and then closing without sound coming out. Giving a slightly bitter snort Bucky decided to continue, it felt good letting this all out, it had been bothering him since he had figured out how badly the team had started, especially in regards to Steve.

“Steve’s never been able to be honest if he was suffering. Mental pain isn’t so different from physical pain, and he spent his life pretending he didn’t hurt. So he would never have said anything about all this. And ya’ll better not suddenly go apologize to him after this; it will just make him feel awkward and embarrassed.” He glared around the room here, before continuing. “But that is why you probably never saw him really laugh or even smile. He never really has though.” The few moments of Steve laughing and smiling unabashedly happy are some of the most treasured moments Bucky has recovered from his past, but there are so few of them, and Bucky knows it is not because he has lost them.

“The actual habit of reaching out while he is laughing and touching is a way of reminding himself that this is all real and that you guys are really alive. Back when he had just woken up, it all felt a bit like a nightmare. For him it was easier not to confirm that what was happening was real. If he never confirmed that everything that was happening was real, he never had to face the fact that he wasn’t just going to wake up and be back in the 40s.”

“But now things have gotten better. For some reason he has accepted all of you as friends and has adapted and found things he loves in this new world. So when he laughs and things seem to be going too well he tries to remind himself that this is real, this isn’t a dream that he will wake up from.” A quick glance up showed a small sad smile on Bruce’s lips. It was clear he understood about wishing some things were nightmares and reminding yourself some things were really happening. Bucky realized, as he remembered everything he had learned about the people in this room, most of them could probably understand it.

“As to where he grabs you, have any of you considered where specifically he grabs? Not just the ‘boob.’” He addressed this last part directly to Tony as he sees the man opening his mouth again. Before the inventor can say anything, another voice speaks up.

“The left, it’s almost always the left side.” The answer comes from Natasha, and Bucky knows then that she has figured out this part as well. He nods and continues then.

“Yeah. Not only is he reaching out to remind himself this is real, he is confirming that you are alive and with him. It’s your heartbeats he is grabbing. The serum increased most of his senses, including touch. So he can feel your heartbeats from just those quick touches.” Bucky unconsciously reached up and rubbed absently over his own heart. “It is probably based off of when I used to place a hand over his heart to make sure he was still alive when he was sick. The first time I saw his new habit, it was his own heartbeat he checked.” He gave a helpless shrug to show he couldn’t really explain it.

“But why does he need to remind himself that we are still alive?” It was Clint who had spoken up.

“It probably never made it into any of the mission reports, and even if it did, they were all probably too classified to be well known. There were several times during the war where Steve tried to use his body heat to keep a rescued solider alive. Sometimes it was what kept them alive until we returned to camp and he dropped them off in the medical tent. But other times he would look down while we were trekking back and realize he had been talking to and holding close a corpse.” The memory of Steve’s face the first time he had realized what had happened was something that Bucky wished he hadn’t remembered.

“During the war those incidents were his most frequent nightmares. Dreaming that he was carrying one of the Commandos, trying to keep us alive, only to look down and see us frozen and dead in his arms.” He noticed that Thor especially seemed shaken by this. He was looking down at his own arms, and it took Bucky a moment to remember Thor had held his brother, Loki, as he died.

“Now, I hope I have properly sated your curiosity, Stark.” Bucky stood up then, and turned towards the door. “Again, if any of you make Steve feel uncomfortable about any of this, you will answer to me. He deserves to be happy.” He left then before any of them could respond and went to join Steve on their floor of the tower. He hated remembering how awful things had to have been for Steve when he woke up, but if it helped keep the others from taking the small joy Steve got from the touches, Bucky would do anything.

None of the team ever said anything to Steve about his habit. And if they started to check in on him, and each other more often, to make sure everyone was doing alright, Bucky never said anything. There also seemed to be more of a scramble to grab the other seat next to Steve at interviews and social events, the side that Bucky wasn’t on since he was always next to Steve. And if Stark most often won that seat, and seemed to smile even wider when Steve would laugh and reach over and rub the inventor’s chest, Bucky never let on that he noticed. Mostly he just treasured the times when Steve kept his hand over Bucky’s heart when they were alone, and smiled as if he was the happiest man in the universe.

**Author's Note:**

> So hopefully there are not too many mistakes, as I have no one to Beta read for me. Please let me know if there is anything grievously wrong.
> 
> Also after re-watching the Avengers I can confirm that in the whole movie only Bruce ever calls him Steve, and that is just once. There are a couple of times he is Rogers and once Captain Rogers, but the rest of the time he is only known/called by his rank/superhero persona. This all struck me as very isolating, especially since everyone else talks with at least one other person about some of the difficulties/worries they face, except Steve.


End file.
